An Apology

My list is long, but each person gets the same apology: I’m sorry for not displaying the non-exclusive love of God to people who I’ve met outside of my comfort zone: to my friend in my old high school gym class, to my former youth leader, to the countless store clerks/waiters/and other people out there just doing their jobs, to the red-shirted Disneyland patrons who did not provoke my dirty looks, and to the unknown people I’ve purposefully avoided.

When I was in college I wanted to be cool. Cool to me at that time meant having a gay friend, because I was a Christian, and you know that’s just not what Christians “do” (that’s what I was taught anyway). So, I had this really good college friend named Lee. And I really loved Lee because she was kind, and loving, and funny and we always had a lot of fun when we were together. Here’s where I messed up though: On the outside I acted liked I loved and respected her, but in my heart was judgment. I’m so sorry… And then there’s Kirk. Kirk was a gay friend of mine where I worked who told me he was also a Christian. And when he would say such things I would just nod and smile with fake respect while I thought to myself, “Sorry buddy that’s just not possible!” I’m sorry that I didn’t listen better to what Kirk had to say; I’m sorry I wasn’t more of a willing student trying to understand his spirituality… These two wonderful people are no longer in my life, and I’m so very sorry.

I am deeply sorry for not accurately protraying Jesus to people who don’t look, act or think like me. I’m afraid my actions and words have done more harm at times than good. Judgmentalism, sarcasm and hypocrisy are not a part of what Christianity is all about. Please don’t develop your concept of who Jesus is based on my stupidity and lack of judgment. We are all on this journey of trying to find out who God is, what Jesus stood for and what eternity is all about. Let’s travel the journey together.

I want to offer my deepest apologies to gay men. I was a Christian teenager who didn’t have the guts to love people who weren’t like me. So, I used humor and ridicule, rather than love and grace to process my confusing feelings. I would never make fun of gay men to their faces; but I would take the coward’s route, and laugh at their expense when they weren’t around. I have behaved like someone who doesn’t even believe in God, when all the while, I’ve claimed His name as the overriding purpose of my life. Go figure. So to the community of gay people I ridiculed, I ask for your forgiveness. I also seek the forgiveness of God, for I have demeaned a beautiful life created in His image.